One day my husband and I were with my sister’s family and on our way to an event (which eludes my memory). We were riding together and running a bit late but still needed to pick up something at a store. Tom and I waited in the car while they completed their errand.
Getting back into the car became complicated.
Our little three year old niece was giving her daddy a tough time when he tried to buckle her into her car seat. Her mom was finishing up in the store and her dad was moving things along as he brought his children back to the car.
Her weary and slightly harried daddy tried to explain several reasons she had to be buckled up. All good information. but the more he explained the more upset she got.
Shortly her mommy arrived. Hearing the commotion she asked what was up. Daddy explained. Child wailed. My sister opened the back door where their daughter was vigorously rebelling and gently said, “You do not want to be buckled in the car seat!”
“No!” the child exclaimed while squirming in an attempt to get down. Her mommy said, “You really don’t want to be buckled up! You are tired of being in your car seat!”
“Uh huh,” she whimpered, already responding to her mommy’s calm and understanding reflection. Our niece knew her message was heard. Mommy understood and sweetened the deal by adding, “We are on our way to the party and you will soon be free to play! Do you remember when you played with …..? ”
The child surrendered to being in her car seat. Tears dried up and her little toy was put in her hand. We peacefully drove on.
Although this sounds too simple and one would only wish it would always be that easy, I remember feeling the power of the transformation through validation. Of course, this would not work for all children or under all circumstance, nor would it always work that easily. But truthfully, it does work more often than not.
We all want to be listened to and understood.
In that way it is a useful story for all relationships.
Perhaps nothing frustrates us more in relationships than being told what to do (unless we ask for it, even then we often resist) and how we should feel, think, or believe about a situation.
As parents and shepherds of children and youth, most of us pray desperately for knowledge and wisdom. Here are some thoughts on the matter:
Wisdom is the application of experience, knowledge, and good judgement.
Experience
We remember what we personally experience. When I observe human behavior I often wonder what it is like to be in the other person’s skin.
When I attend gatherings of people, I often look over the crowds and am struck that while each one of us may be having a unified experience of an event, we are actually going to remember the event from our own unique experience of it.
And what we experience is partly based on what we have lived, partly on the unique wiring of our brains, partly on our state of physical, emotional, and spiritual health, and a host of other factors.
So in our story, what was the child experiencing? What was her behavior expressing?
She was not ready for the information or rationale as to why she must buckle up. In her skin that did not matter. That was merely something being imposed on her and she needed understanding and compassion more than information.
Wisdom is the application of experience, knowledge, and seasoned with good judgement.
Knowledge
As parents, teachers, shepherds of children, it is essential that we seek knowledge. There are so many ways to view human behavior. In my mind, knowledge is more than learning simple information. It is applied information. It combines information, experimentation, experience, and practice. It tends to be taught both by direct methods of pedagogy and by example.
Wisdom is the application of experience with knowledge, and seasoned with good judgement.
Good Judgement
Good judgement is discerning how to apply one’s life experience with one’s knowledge in ways that build good relationships and empower others to become their best selves.
In our story, the mommy used her personal experience, her knowledge about communication and child development, and good judgment to guide their little girl into a new way of thinking (and behaving).
Today is Wednesday, time to reflect on wisdom.
How can we season our challenging situations today with knowledge and good judgement?
It takes practice and an open heart and mind for learning and growing. Let’s keep stretching! Our kids are worth it.
And that little girl just graduated from high school with high honors, big dreams, and filled with inner resources to handle life’s challenges. She has been well shepherded. And I am one proud aunt.
Solomon says stories help him understand us peeps. And he is very fond of the little girl now all grown up in this story.