I hate to admit it, but I am intimately acquainted with shame and guilt.
I am on a quest to be free and to inspire freedom in others from life-stripping shame and needless guilt.
I also want to encourage parents and teachers to avoid shame-based ways of shaping children’s behavior. What is an example of shame-based language? Here are a few: “You should be ashamed of yourself.” “You are an embarrassment to the family.” “Shame on you.” “I am ashamed of you.” “I am so disappointed in you.” “You will never amount to anything.”
Shaming language focuses on making the individual feel demeaned and promotes fear of rejection and disconnection.
Being loved and having a sense of belonging are two basic human needs. It makes us vulnerable to taking risks that may cause us to lose these experiences.
Guilt is a little different from (but closely related to) shame. We sometimes think of guilt as our currency of redemption. If I feel guilty then I will qualify for forgiveness. But in truth, guilt tends to lead to more guilt which leads to self-condemnation and deprives us of energy to change. For example, think about how you feel when you don’t follow your exercise program, eat healthy foods or yell at your kids. Does guilt really change much of your behavior? Usually true regret helps us accept personal responsibility and opens our minds to choices for change, whereas guilt and shame are like walking under a cloud that blocks the lighted path of restoration.
Here is an example of both shame and guilt that showed up in my own life.
Shame: One rainy day recently I did everything except write for my website or my book. I wasted energy in the land of “not enough.” “Not smart enough, creative enough, good enough etc.” Toxic voices haunt and pester me like ghosts from the past, and become a brain drain. And it leads to shame, or feeling flawed, inadequate. Shame wraps itself around our brain like a boa constrictor around its prey.
A heart of compassion and forgiveness for self and others releases us from our shame-filled minds where we store our memories of being shamed.
Guilt; While writing on my computer, I kept trying to see the birds on the bird feeder which is a simple tray attached to our kitchen window. Lots of birds flutter their wings, squabble, and scramble for their portion of seeds. They are fun to watch, but they dirty the window. Squirrels with their bushy tails swish a bit of grease on the window also. On rainy days the window becomes very dirty.
I squinted all day through the dirt, thinking I “should” wash the window. I thought about it. I even felt a twinge of guilt that I did not do it. I wanted the “goods” (clean window) but did not feel “in the mood” to do the work.
That was neither right or wrong, good nor bad. There simply were consequences either way. Not able to really see the birds if I did not wash it versus enjoying seeing them if I did. Finally I said to myself, “For goodness sake, just do it.” You don’t have to feel like it and putting it off or feeling guilty are simply not producing any positive results. You are wasting the currency of your happiness by using guilt instead of action.
I washed the window and felt better immediately. The birds were beautiful to watch!
Need I say more? Guilt be gone! Just do what is right and it is usually not a matter of morality or ethicality. Even so . . .simply make a decision for what is right and move on! Twinges of guilt serve us only when they are simply a message about choosing our consequences. We are totally responsible for those decisions. Freedom of choice is the gift of being human.
Each time we decide for what is best I call it a “miracle moment.”
Let’s create a day of freedom and happiness through many little “miracle moments.” For me, it is like a miracle when I step into my own power of purposeful living, or living by choice and personal responsibility. Replacing guilt and or blame of anyone (including ourselves) with love and forgiveness in any given moment makes that a “miracle moment.” Making a decision for what brings health and happiness is the power behind our “miracle moments.” Taking responsibility for the things we think and do also leads to “miracle moments” because inner transformation is one big miracle. We all know how difficult it can be.