He is six years old and proudly tells you so.
As with all children, I learn so much about life and about myself from him. This time a couple of lessons came from watching him play a game of balance. A Wii game for him, a metaphor for me.
It happened a couple of weeks ago, but two lessons from the incident linger.
The first came about by watching him face personal failure.
Watching an overtired child cave under the self imposed pressure of success was like looking into an invisible mirror. To make matters worse, he had declared loudly that he is “the best” at the Wii Balance game. And he usually does do extremely well on this game.
But that was not his fate on this particular evening.
So when things did not work out, he fell hard and was angry. He cried and wailed, “This game is not fair!”
His bravado “I can do better than you” is a tissue-paper thin facade. . .
It is a fragile mask. And a mask it is. Tears soaked through it and unveiled his unconscious fears.
When you are only six and born with noticeable physical handicaps, you just may need a mask. An escape behind fantasy and pretense to help you cope with a challenging world.
J.’s arms and hands are different. And he is bullied.
However, he has many natural gifts. He has a strikingly charming personality with a handsome face and strong body. He is verbally quick and articulate and extremely imaginative and determined. His zest for life and his big brown eyes signal tremendous spirit and energy.
This is what we see.
Of course we cannot know what he sees in himself.
His actions betray his inner self-doubts and his fiercely competitive nature works for him and against him. When he boasts of his super-hero-like accomplishments it is tempting for adults to “put him in his place.” His peers simply bully him.
To compensate, he seeks power because he feels overpowered by others. But he cannot understand that yet.
Watching his pain reminded me that it is our job to understand our children, not theirs to understand our lectures and demands. And one of the most useful strategies for understanding kids is to honestly identify and acknowledge our own feelings and reactions. Self-awareness is like an inner GPS toward building strong relationships.
Truthfully, J.’s reactions when he “failed” reminded me of my own feelings when I fall short. Children express these feelings more overtly while we adults are more covert. How they react often stirs up our own fears for them. And we too overreact. Everyone gets off balance in those moments.
Does it work to control and overpower a child who is clearly feeling a need for power? Usually not. Usually it takes understanding, guidance, and a lot of good communication to empower them for change. But with our influence (by example) we can empower them to make good choices.
Remember, we learn best from experience and teach best by example!
J.’s drive to be best and his painful fall from self-imposed perfection created a learning experience for both of us. For a few moments, we shared the journey of finding balance.
Parents have the power to understand children because as adults, we still have the child within us. As children, they do not yet have the adult within them.
In fact, we often hear advice to listen to your “inner child” to find your joy. In contrast, how often do we advise children to “listen to your inner adult to find your joy?” It sounds silly because it is.
I also was reminded that even though they often have adult language they have not experienced being an adult yet so they cannot put themselves in our shoes. Therefore, they truly do not understand why we react the way we do. Being aware of this simple fact is often helpful for me when I am prone to take their behavior personally.
The second lesson came from watching the game itself, a peek at the precarious nature of maintaining balance.
On the Wii Balance Game, just as in life, when you are about to fall off the tightrope the screen flashes warnings and message for self-correction saying to lean in the opposite direction. But not too much, nor too quickly! Or you will fall.
And you must keep your balance so when that big trap comes your way you can jump over it and stay in the game!
Yes, the Wii game is like life itself. Life flashes warning signs telling us to go slower or to lean one way or the other.
Stress in itself can be healthy, even energizing, unless it causes you to lean too far off the path of wellness, happiness, peace, and purpose. Our body gives us signals as do our friends and families.
Also just like in the Wii game, life sends along its obstacles that we must jump over. And we too, can do that best when we are in balance and rested.
I was reminded that we too get discouraged or angry. We too impulsively lash out and either pout and quit or doggedly hang on when we should quit. We too secretly look to see how we stack up against others and judge ourselves accordingly. We too either overrate or underrate ourselves.
We also lose our balance. We often ignore the signals and fall on our face damaging our fragile masks of power and perfection.
With encouragement, J. regained his emotional balance and did something different. His natural joy returned.
Feeling off balance? It happens. Leaning in one direction too far creates a need to temporarily compensate in the opposite direction. Too tired? Lean into a power nap. . . but not for too long!
Self-awareness combined with a forward focus can help us pay attention to the signals that will keep us from falling into despair or ill-repair.