Have you ever experienced amnesia? You only have amnesia if you know something and forget it. And it feels worse when you really, really know something and you forget it . . . like last weekend when I experienced a case of parenting or relationship-building amnesia. And I believe that parenting is first and foremost about building great relationships and modeling them for our children.
Because it offered me an opportunity for personal growth and reminded me of how basic skills really are in building quality relationships, I am going to be painfully transparent in this article. Once again, I learned that neither parenting nor personal growth are easy breezy matters!
To set the scene . .
Six year old Jared loves to come to “grandma and grandpa’s”, but rarely gets to spend the night. This is one of his very favorite things to do and he was so excited to be with us for a sleepover. You can imagine then, that this was a special occasion. But I made some mistakes and we had what was likely an unnecessary battle. Using the clarity that comes from hindsight, he can be our teacher.
Here’s The Story:
Saturday morning dawned early and our little guy woke up excited to be with us. We planned to go out for a big breakfast but it was early so he had some toast and happily played while we took turns showering etc. We were off to a great start.
We explained where we were going and why. I enthusiastically and lovingly told him that our friend Lori, (who had just opened her own restaurant… her dream come true) wanted to meet him. I exclaimed, “She has not seen you in a long time and now you are so much bigger!” He felt the “you better be good” pressure, I am sure.
Later, much later. . . I realized that this felt like a set up to him. He was not interested in meeting anybody. He just wanted us. And no doubt he wanted us to want him, not Lori. I failed to observe the signs. My first mistake.
“I do not want to meet Lori,” he declared. A very clear statement, don’t you think? Even if he did not understand why, he knew what he felt. Usually I would take time to listen and at least allow and validate his feelings. Usually.
When we arrived at the restaurant he staunchly announced the he wanted to go to a different restaurant. I forgot to use active listening skills, and he had strong feelings percolating like a coffee maker. I inadvertently was dismissive of his feelings. Big mistake.
Both Tom and I stepped into reasoning and persuading mode. We explained he would have to wait in line for a half hour “at the other restaurant.” Using logic to persuade a child (or adult) in an emotionally saturated situation is …. another mistake. Ugh.
He did not want to meet Lori. Period. But we were lucky that he complied enough to get out of the van and unhappily trudge into the restaurant.
From there things grew most uncomfortable.
He refused to take off his bulky coat at the table and to greet the waitresses. And it was clear he was not going to be polite to Lori should she stop over. He was there under duress and staged a quiet protest. I was annoyed. Luckily, we kept it quiet so it did not make others uncomfortable.
Desperate for him to show off his best self, I decided on the “give him a choice” strategy. Not a happy choice mind you, but a choice. Either he could choose to be polite to Lori when she came by or he could have a 15 minute time out at home. Two miserable choices that essentially disempowered him by saying, “choose your poison.” Yet another mistake . . . to give choices that are not real choices. (Rather like . . . do you want to die by hanging or a gunshot?)
Can you guess what he chose? By now he was knee-deep in a mood. He remained true to his feelings, his source of personal power, as if to say, “No, you cannot make me do it.” Even though rude, this “choice” he made was actually quite healthy (and understandable). However, if my parents (using a different parenting paradigm) were alive and heard that, they would completely disagree!
To his credit, he did mumble into his coat what he would like for breakfast and ate it all. I was surprised and grateful.
I fell into the trap of taking this all personally. After all, I reasoned, he cannot always do what he wants and being mad is no excuse for being rude or mean. Clearly he had lessons to learn. More than a tinge of judgment was flowing through my veins. Ridiculous, right? But true.
When Lori came, he refused to answer or look at her. He was rude. Clearly, I had lost the power of influence, and traded it for coercion and lecture which, no matter how short and/or logical, is never our best way to teach. I was racking up the mistakes. By now I had “stubbed my proverbial toe” several times. Ouch.
Quiet condemnation smoldered in me. He felt it. I simply declared, “You will have 15 minutes of time out when we get home. Clearly hurt, he mumbled a protest followed by, “I wish I had not come to your house.”
Fortunately, I was starting to regain my senses and realized how hurt he was. Still clinging to my own position, however, I said, “you made the choice.” I am wincing as I write this.
It was then that I realized that I had shifted into punishment mode rather than modeling a good life lesson. My final major mistake! He has no concept of what 15 minutes means, but it is a significant amount of time for a six year old who is highly active and LOVES to talk. I know better than be punitive. I needed to create a shift by moving into the power of negotiation, co-operation, and problem solving.
The Flashing Light Bulb . . .
I had unintentionally set up this power struggle by not listening to both his and my own feelings as our guide. In this lightbulb moment I remembered every child (and adult) needs to feel some power, especially in situations over which they have little to no control. Still, no matter our age we have to practice learning how to constructively manage our feelings.
So, I offered him an “out” that worked very well. A kind of negotiation tool or a doable choice appropriate for him. I leaned toward him and said, “I am pleased about how you ate your breakfast and how you are talking nicely now and I have an idea. If you can continue to be kind on our way home, your time-out will only be ten minutes. That is a LOT less!”
His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. This was a more empowering choice and offered an escape route from feeling hurt and angry. The power struggle was broken and creative energy began replacing defensive energy. He actually ended up working his time down to 8 minutes (my bottom line). This was a much more appropriate amount of time for a busy six year old. Consequences should be about experiential learning rather than punishing.
Finally, when he wanted to climb on a chair and set the microwave timer for his 8 minutes, I let him. It was a simple power building, sense of “control of my destiny” feeling for him. We quickly reviewed the “no talk and stay in one place rule” for time out. He pretended to “zip the lip” and proudly stayed quiet.
I ended up sitting quietly for the eight minutes myself, and it was then that I realized all the ways I had unconsciously set this unhappy scene up. I will talk about this later in an article or video lesson for my website. I have come to discover there are three toe-stubbing mistakes that all parents make and which cause many an “ouch” for us. I made all three and more!
Since old dictator-like parenting paradigms are shifting, and mostly for the good . . . we really do need to practice using replacement tools (new paradigms) in our parenting tool kit (metaphorically speaking).
Knowledge about ourselves and children (conscious parenting) can turn situations around. I was so thankful I did have some power building strategies in my tool kit. It was simply unfortunate that I forgot listen to him or myself. And I teach these skills!
Like temporary amnesia . . . when you can’t think of a person’s name, or an answer on a test, or your lines in a play . . . it escaped me. Here comes my 2012 theme: Love, Live, & Let Go (after you have learned the lesson).
I feel sure that most of you can easily see my mistakes in this story. I am equally sure that most of you can relate to them (especially after a few days off from school). . .
Fortunately for us, children live in the moment and love is redemptive. Thank you, Jared. I cherish the love note you wrote to me that day. I love you right back. We are, after all, both human but our love is divine.
PS . . .
Skills to Practice Again and Again:
1. Listen. Listen with awareness. Listen at first for the purpose of acknowledging feelings without persuading, lecturing, dismissing or judging those feelings. None of us like feeling dismissed or pushed around. Once expressed and understood, feelings become more manageable. This is likely our most powerful relationship-building skill to remember.
2. Stay fully present. When we don’t we slip into old patterns and unconscious behaviors ourselves! Listening is a powerful way to stay present with the child and yourself.
3. Observe, and avoid overriding people’s feelings. Feelings are useful clues as to how to proceed and they are contagious. For example, if you feel angry, it is likely because they are feeling that way. If you feel powerless, so do they. If you feel hurt, it is likely because they feel hurt or revengeful. Such awareness helps shed light on the direction you need to travel. By forgetting this simple skill of awareness I slipped into control and coercion.
4. By using skills 1-3, practice letting go of judgment and condemnation. Even when we do not specifically voice our criticisms to them, our children have built in radar for such things.