Just the word “pain” almost hurts, doesn’t it? And to think of it as a “gift” just does not sit well with us.
The challenge is to remember that pain (or distress) of any type is a “wake up call.” Even when we don’t want to wake up. Who loves an alarm clock amongst us? Be honest . . . if we do, it is only because it saves our proverbial butt day after day so we won’t be late for work!
In our culture we have little tolerance of or patience with pain. We strive for things to look good and feel good. This includes physically, socially, and personally. And we feel we should be in control. Masters of our fate.
Yet pain is real. Yes, we can mitigate or soothe it, we can numb it, ignore it, or even curse or condemn it. Sometimes we can even remove it’s cause, like removing a sliver beneath a fingernail. Pain, though, keeps us from putting our hands on a hot stove or carelessly jumping from dangerous heights. In that sense, pain serves us well. But when it happens it is still most difficult for us to accept.
Did I say, “accept?” I did, but I did not mean to be passively resigned. I do not mean to ignore it either. What do I mean? An attitude of compassionate acceptance of pain as a gift, (a message of ultimate value for us), changes how we respond and gives us more peace.
I believe “compassion” calls for a courageous, kind, and creative response!
“Acceptance” calls for an open-minded awareness.
Compassionate acceptance requires listening to pain’s messages to . . .
1. Pay respectful attention
2. Seek understanding
3. Ask for expert assistance
Truthfully, I am learning about both the purpose and power of pain up close and personal. Not to worry, it is not life threatening (just chronic back pain). And I have had as much difficulty as anyone I know in learning to compassionately accept it. I have fought it, attempted to ignore it, exercised when I shouldn’t, whined about it, and probably even pouted about it. I have even fallen into self-blame. That does not describe compassionate acceptance, does it?
Like wearing sunglasses in the evening, pain can obscure our vision. And chronic pain, no matter how “small” it may be, changes our perspective. Have you ever had to walk a distance with a pebble in your shoe? So let us think about three steps toward compassionate acceptance:
Pay Respectful attention
Pain comes in all forms. Sometimes it is sharp and intense physical or emotional pain, but very often it arrives in more chronic and annoying forms. You know them; they include fatigue, mild depression, cravings, irritability, frustration, self-doubt, anger, yelling,worry, condemnation, even mean gossip. These are signals of some form of personal pain.
Moving ever closer to compassionate acceptance of my own body’s messages has opened up my awareness of how important pain is in our lives. It is often our teacher. I am noticing some creative ways to respond to my back. And I have honestly been inspired by people whose expertise is amazing.
Seek Understanding
Yes, I have sought understanding of both the pain and its embedded lessons for me personally. Part of that has been learning to honor my body’s needs and part of it has been to increase my own compassion toward the physical and emotional pain so many people privately carry everyday.
Ask for Expert Advice
This can be challenging for us. We both want and resist expert advice. If it does not immediately work we get impatient. We forget that nature has her ways and things take time. We forget that within each problem is a potential for new life or living in a different way. In my current challenges, while there are still no clear answers, I have much more knowledge about the spine and the power of pain than ever before! Knowledge gives us creative options on how to respond.
Finally, I am rediscovering the impact a humble expert has on our ability to deal with pain. This has been perhaps the most inspiring discovery on my learning through pain.
I have observed the following characteristics that true experts share in common. I am sure there are many more as this is not a pure research. ( I invite you to share your own thoughts.)
Experts are:
~ Good listeners and value people’s personal experiences of the pain
~ Open to all information
~ Not enamored by their own expertise
~See themselves as learners
~ Recognize and acknowledge what they don’t know.
~ Freely offer other experts as resources
How is your own pain level today? What kinds of signals are going off in your body or your spirit? Remember a signal is a simple message to pay respectful attention. It is not a condemnation. It is only a signal.
In whatever area you feel some pain (distress) you are receiving a signal to listen, reach out for support, and be kind to yourself!
Sometimes even the loving gifts of parenting and teaching our children are painful! I often say that I no longer work directly with children in my profession but I truly work for children by helping parents notice and listen to signals of distress within themselves and their families.
Children’s behaviors are sometimes distress signals and my best encouragement is to follow the same path as dealing with our physical pain: pay respectful attention, seek understanding, and ask for help from trusted and respected experts!
With that in mind, remember that I welcome your input as to what you may be experiencing and possibly would appreciate me addressing either in writing or in person. Feel free to email me at mcole@thesharedjourney.com !
Let’s turn our pain into gain! After all, Solomon came to TSJ at a time when this whole pain thing started for me. Here he is . . . our symbol of earthy wisdom and sheer contentment! Admit it… you read all the way to the end so you could see him smile at you… I know you did 🙂
