Have you noticed that it seems anyone who publicly takes a leadership role in helping others is an open target for meanness? Sometimes it even borders on or crosses the line as some form of bullying. 
It is especially true on the Internet. It happens online very easily because the perpetrator of unkindness is not known by you or seen by you. Kids experience this more often than we want to imagine. But so do adults. Words can be poisonous darts to our hearts. And most people tend to take them to heart.
When meanness is present empathy is absent. . .
Mean words generally sprout from seeds of shame and blame that we have internalized to become our own. Like arrows, they are aimed to hurt.
Do you remember a saying, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me?”
Is that true?
Most of us would say not really.
I know from my own childhood that both physical and verbal attacks are hurtful, and when they happen together they are memorable. But I would dare say the painful words take longer to heal from because they become our own inner judgments in the form of an inner mean voice. And like some of you, I was sensitive about unkind things spoken to and about other people by parents, teachers, and religious leaders. Children don’t miss much.
And kids are always affected by other kids. . . like that boy . . . in second grade . . . who mockingly announced (while pointing to my feet), “Your toes are longer than my grandfathers’s toes! ” We all were waiting for our socks to dry on the register after getting soaked outdoors. I quietly put my wet socks back on.
Now, let’s go back to the “names can never hurt me” idea . . .
Philosophically speaking, it is true that nothing outside of us can hurt our inner Essence through physical assault (sticks and stones). It has often been said you can kill the body but not the soul. It is also true that names can only do to us what we give them the power to do. But in our everyday reality, verbal attacks are like sticks and stones to our emotional center.
And while most of us are seldom mean to others, I keep learning that many, if not most of us, have a mean inner voice that we use to shame ourselves. It is not our wise voice. We have personalized others’ mean voices. But we allow it because we falsely (I believe) think it is the voice of conscience.
The true voice of conscience is the voice of appropriate guilt or regret, of forgiveness, self-awareness, and the intention to change. It is an active state of being that rights our wrongs when possible and always forgives as opposed to a more passive and pervasive cloud of shame and anxiety.
The inner mean voice is the voice of fear and humiliation.
It is a self-bullying voice.
The louder our inner voice of shame and blame, the more vulnerable we are to believing other bullying voices. It is like two major weather fronts colliding. It spells some form of destruction.
This inner voice is our collection of voices that have led us to believe we are unworthy or dumb or a failure, and in danger of alienation or annihilation. (We will be cast out and die.) Such a shaming voice does not serve us or our children well. It is not life enhancing. But how do we avoid taking them personally?
The good news, according to neuroscientists, echoes what spiritual giants have said through the centuries: . . .we can change.
Scientists say we can actually rewire our brain. How?
It gradually happens when we superimpose new perspectives, happy experiences, and positive mindsets over old and destructive beliefs and negative attitudes.
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Check out Brené Brown!
I am excited to point you in the direction of a real expert in understanding shame, vulnerability, and empathy. Dr. Brené Brown, Ph.D., has done careful research and interviewed thousands of people. She is a highly acclaimed author, speaker, and clearly a humble student of life.
I highly recommend her book, The Gifts of Imperfection.
You can go to her website and click on the word video to see a couple of her lectures!
Do take a few minutes to treat yourself to Brené’s wisdom. You will not only learn something, I am sure, but it will help you be a better person, parent, and teacher.
I believe the more we know, the more choices we have to courageously let our voices be heard and our hearts beat joy throughout the body of humanity.