Dear TSJ Peeps . . .
Have you ever said out loud with full force (even if no one is around to hear you), “I quit. I cannot do this anymore!” I am sure most of you have. Perhaps many times under different circumstances. It usually is a sign of utter fatigue and exasperation.
On my way home last evening from a committee meeting, I found myself rehearsing conversations, actions, and thoughts that seemed to point to those nagging inner “voices” (thoughts) of self- recrimination. It seems these thoughts had been silently percolating all day in the unconscious corners of my mind. But I had kept busy and was generally able to push them aside.
So while driving, my mind managed to pick up those thoughts and like retrieving a lost stitch several rows back on a knitting or crocheting project, I unraveled into the earlier parts of the day. Unraveling can often lead to more unraveling. And my mind quickly pulled at the yarn of the the past few weeks … which then got out of control and … sent the whole ball of yarn rolling quickly out of sight for a review of my whole life.
Yes. Two seconds turned into several minutes of unraveling. I saw all of my “lacks” so clearly. I declared to myself, ” I have never really been normal. Aways just a little off… not quite this or not quite that. Never quite good enough at anything. Never quite belonged anywhere. People are so kind and loving to me but they probably think …. “
The next thing I knew, I cried out…
“I quit!!! I cannot do this anymore!”
Those words tumbled out along with a bunch of tears.
I just want to be free to be totally myself! Yes, I want all of my feelings- minus the suffering~ minus the mean voice of self-condemnation ~minus the fears that keep me in various states of anxiety.
I accept that feelings are necessary for personal growth, empathy and care for others etc. I know feelings are important; it is just the self inflicted suffering that I want to quit.
I called out loud, “I cannot do this anymore. I quit!”
What is the “this?” What do I really want to quit?
~Quit worrying so very much about what people think..
~Quit fearing and feeling rejected
~Quit feeling like everything I do is “wrong” to a greater or lesser degrees
~Quit doubting other people’s compliments
~Quit worrying that someone I love is going to die
~Quit rehearsing all of my mistakes – the things I say or do that may come out seemingly wrong despite good intentions
~Quit feeling shame about what I write, say, do or do not do ~Quit feeling stupid, inferior, unworthy of people’s love
You get the picture. Thoughts were rolling out of control like hat ball of yarn I mentioned above.
Then something interesting happened. Perhaps Solomon was at work? I had a revelation of sorts. A holy instant or mini-miracle.
I thought, “I bet when my spirit self is ‘on the other side’ someday, I will look back and realize how sad it is that I wasted years listening to a mean inner critic when all along I was a child of God making human mistakes. And children who are loved, learn from their mistakes and hurry on ahead to laugh and play, especially when they have loving parents to guide them. And we have our Creator God of Love to guide us.” My spirit quieted.
This perspective created an immediate shift. I came in the house, put down my notebook and said, “Yes! I quit. I quit living imprisoned by my own fears.”
I went to the computer feeling quite a lot better and found an email from one of the newsletters I read and its title was: “How to Respond to Your Inner Critic” (from Sounds True publishing) and it listed several people (from authors to psychologists) I greatly admire that struggle with this bedeviling tendency of extreme self criticism. So it is not just me. Even that thought was comforting.
This article was exactly what I needed and I almost had deleted it.
In the end, the article validated our need for self-compassion and new perspectives. It turned out that my looking back at myself from heaven’s gaze was a version of a stepping back and looking at yourself as a child perspective. It helps break the fixation of the moment and opens the door to changing your perspective. And it did that for me.
It is true that we need all of our emotions to be healthy and develop empathy, compassion, strength and wisdom. What we do not need is shame. It immobilizes us. We do need to step back and notice what works and what does not work to create a better world for ourselves and others. Excessive mean inner voices are not what create life giving help for anyone!
Solomon says bravo! He is much happier when I am happier. And he is sure that is true for all TSJ peeps too.
Enjoy playing in the pastures today. Remember we are all children at heart – designed to love and be loved and be grateful for the Shepherd of our souls.
Margie
