Hello TSJ Peeps!
Solomon has been shifted this week to a different seat in the office. He wanted a bit of a quiet break 
from SJ and Sigmund so he could have a personal time with Ms. Margie.
He knew that I have been feeling concerned about how to help my peeps when they are discouraged as that brings out my own feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness. And I am thinking a lot lately about the various aspects of parenting and marriage that take courage to write and talk about.
I put him back on his favorite stool for a bit. You see, even Solomon recognizes that sometimes it is helpful to simply sit in a different place to regain healthy perspectives. And he almost immediately gave me this advice:
“Ms. Margie, remind yourself and your peeps to lead with kindness.“ Sometimes it is that simple. When confused, weary, challenged or angry, before you speak ask yourself, “Is this kind?”
Now Solomon is not particularly fond of elephants, but since I am, he kindly used the elephant that sits on our couch or recliners as an example. He said we often miss the obvious. Sometimes solutions come when we relax into an attitude of simple kindness.
By the way, Solomon always leads with kindness. I looked up “kindness” on my internet dictionary and it said, “quality of being friendly, generous and considerate.” And that does describe Solomon who represents our highest and wisest self.
He ventured on to suggest we peeps make things more complex and confusing than necessary sometimes. He suggested there just may be “an elephant in the room” – something we don’t see because we are so distracted by details and disappointments.
Like my sister-in- law said with a twinkle in her eye when she gave that elephant pillow to us for our wedding, “This elephant is to help you when there is an elephant in the room that is not being noticed.”
Solomon encouraged me . . . “Don’t for get, Ms. Margie, we are here to remind our peeps about things that are practical and doable. So why not share what Mr. John said this morning?”
“Kindness is Contagious,” Mr. John had mused over breakfast. Then he added, “But I guess so are anger and bitterness.”
“Yes,” I mused further, “But kindness is an extension of our higher self and anger, bitterness and aggression are defensive positions of our lower selves – the part of us that fears lack – such as lack of power and personal safety or even of being understood. But it does appear both are contagious. One spreads peace, the other spreads violence (either verbal or physical or both). Both kindness and negativity are involved in nearly all of our relationships, but especially in how we parent and influence children.
In The Sound of Music, as she faced being a governess for seven children, Maria, sang “I will be kind but firm” and – “All those children, heaven bless them…”
I want to paraphrase them this way for us:
1. Practice Being Kind but Firm
2. Practice praying – “All [Our] Children – Heaven Bless Them”
Sometimes I see so much defensiveness and unkindness all around us. I know you do too. Just listen to the news. And the social issues today for our children are truly increasingly complex. All I am suggesting, however, are a few principles to help us no matter how complex life gets.
Points to Ponder about leading with kindness . . .
1. Talk with your children and spouses kindly. Speak at least as kindly in private as in public.
2. Remember that being kind does not mean lying down and being run over. Sometimes it is easy to let our own children bully us – especially if we are afraid of losing their love and approval. Parenting is not a popularity contest. It is a life long relationship that has its ups and downs, but our goal is to encourage them in the emergence of their highest and best self as they mature.
3. Use the hippocratic oath in trying to “do no harm.” Our job is to keep them safe psychologically and emotionally as well as physically. Being a good parent is not about being permissive or allowing ourselves to be bullied or conned into letting them do things we know to be unsafe for them in the end.
4. “No” is not a dirty word. How it is applied is what makes it kind or not. And with practice we can learn to help them discover a gentler “no” by being offered them choices. You see, each of us has to learn that we are responsible for our own behavior! My brother, a clinical psychologist, says, “We have to say no (when essential) to them so they can learn to say no to themselves,” and I like that. I thought you might too. After all, we want them to internalize our morals and values and learn self monitoring.
5. We all make mistakes. So, while kindness and accountability are important so are patience, forgiveness and empathy.
Finally, I fear we sometimes forget to pray for one another and to remember that in a sense, all children are our children in this universe. We adults are models by what we say, how we say things and how we act. Children are listening to our actions and our tones more than our words.
So along with Maria, Solomon says, “And all those [our] children, heaven bless them!”
May it be so, and may we lead with kindness.
Margie and Solomon
