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Greetings TSJ Friends,
I am amazed with life. It can seem to flow so beautifully one moment and feel so topsy turvy the next. Can you relate?
So I confess writing this blog today has been challenging. I ran into technical troubles and frustration updating the picture of the fireplace project and share some Wednesday reflections from Solomon.
And my patience wore so thin I almost gave up. But instead I decided to practice what I preach – share the journey — remembering that learning and growth take time and are sometimes messy. In fact, often messy?
Most of you are teachers and- or- parents or both. Not all of you. But the large majority of TSJ readers are connected with the care and well being of children. You love them, teach them, discipline them and shepherd them.
You celebrate their achievement. You sacrifice your own desires and time to guide them. You plan activities to build memories. You find new ways to teach them both at school and home the things that you believe will help them become mature, responsible, happy adults.
And much of the time it seems like things are as they should be.
And then .. there are those moments and sometimes long periods of time when you feel wounded by them, embarrassed by them, discouraged in the care of them and terribly worried about how they will turn out.
In short, you find yourself wanting to say and do the very things you teach them not to do …. yell, make unkind remarks, bully or berate them … only to deeply apologize and reassure them of your love the moment you feel you have “gone too far” or “lost it.” Usually “losing it” means we lost self-control on some level that violates our standards for ourselves and others.
Then comes the the guilt. The self berating. How can I be so impatient and irritable? Am I ruining the children?
How can I ever get this right?
Especially as parents, we all carry that certificate of guilt that came with their birth certificates.
Why is it so easy to lose the birth certificate and not the guilt certificate?
Because we are human.
And we too are like children deep down inside.
As such, in one way or another, all of us (like our children) get defensive, angry, frustrated, narcissistic, lazy, rejecting, rude, impatient and distracted. And that is just for starters. Essentially we want to escape the painful parts of shepherding.
We turn to our devices or personal addictions for escape. Also, just like our children, we want pleasure, peace. love encouragement and hope. And we want it now.
As I age I have noticed a couple of observations that have helped me when I listen to your stories and join with you in them.
Of course they are also from my own life.
These rise out of the lessons that children have taught me through all those years that I was a mom of a growing family, a school teacher turned mental health counselor, turned school psychologist, turned life coach for parents and teachers, turned retired life coach. And now as a “woman of a certain age” Solomon continues to teach me to accept that I am both a shepherd (as are you) and that I need a shepherd (as do all of us.)
We are in it together. So, here a few thoughts;
- All personal growth (physical, psychological and spiritual) is a process! All good things take time and have their unfinished and messy moments. As you can see from my picture above, the fireplace that was a mess when I wrote the last blog before Thanksgiving is now able to warm our hearts and conversations. So phase one is complete but I wish the framing and mantle were complete – now. See? Change takes time, is messy and requires patience. But you know this already. (However, remember knowing and accepting are two different things.)
2. Try as we can, we cannot speed up the process! Even more than building a house, a fireplace or anything else, building relationships, morals and faith take time. Lots of time. And lots of mistakes. One of my own mentors told me “You cannot make a carrot grow by tugging on it.” Honestly, this applies to changing our children or even ourselves too. What we can do is provide the right environment for growth to take place. What that looks like will vary in each of our homes.The rest requires wisdom, listening, and prayer.
3. Our greatest calling as parents and teachers is to influence rather than demand our children’s growth toward the values we espouse. The way we do that best is to develop self-awareness, be willing to acknowledge our own mistakes and have a forgiving spirit toward ourselves and our children – in school and home.
In that light I came across a quote in my notes from a parent conference on the Leftko-Effective Parenting method.
They stated, “Parents help form beliefs and support a successful, nurturing life.” And beliefs are the underpinnings of all behavior.
This Thanksgiving, Mr. John and I were blessed to spend time at my stepdaughter’s home. She and her husband are expert cooks and create an environment in which their children know that number one big deal in life is being part of a family and community.
So we all gather in spite of being an awkward mixture of former spouses, parents, stepparents and cousins etc. Food and frolic happen. We are made to feel wanted and welcome in spite of the fact that they are working in high level and demanding careers, pursuing advanced degrees and parenting twins who are now thirteen.
It is not easy and sometimes these relationships that come together have a messy story, but the value of setting aside past wounds, and behaving as though we are all part of the human family (which of course we are) is a small example of creating an environment that fosters personal growth and shapes the children’s values for the future.
It has often been said that “we learn what we live.” Then we “live what we learn.”
What are our children learning from us?
Bottom line what matters most in life are relationships. They last forever. Beyond our mortality.
Sometimes it means we need help from mentors, coaches, people we trust and respect.
As always, TSJ celebrates relationships and sharing the journey. We love hearing from you and welcome your emails at marg.m.cole@gmail.com. Also a gentle reminder: I am available for phone coaching for busy people as well as office visits. Whatever works best for you.
Solomon and I are very grateful to be part of your lives. Happy Shepherding!