From Resistance to Receptivity and Fear to Faith

Dear TSJ Friends,

Our muse Solomon and I hope this finds you healthy and adjusting bit by bit to our new normal of “social distancing.” After fussing a bit as to whether I should share something personal when so many people are suffering I have decided to share one incident with you from our recent cruise experience that has helped me at this time.

Almost every night since returning from our Caribbean cruise I have dreamt about some obscure problem on the ship, and some of the dreams have been in vivid colors. These colors indicate the intense emotions I have been feeling. I’ve lived with fear in the air; like high humidity when it is “air you can wear.” And I have been wearing it a lot. On the cruise, when the TV brought us news of the developing coronavirus pandemic beginning to affect America, that fear became palpable. But I want to tell you how I went from resistance to receptivity, from fear to faith one morning on the cruise.

On Sunday, March 15, John and I got up at 5:00 to go to an outside deck on Island Princess. It was a pleasant morning, and watching the dawn sneak out across the distant sky while listening to the ocean was good for us.

However tensions and worries had been piling up for all of us. Due to the virus our ship was turned away from several ports and was headed back home. And crew members had learned the cruise lines would close down for six months. Sad news for them. But they treated us well despite their own angst about their jobs and health risks. We felt for them. And we all were worried for ourselves too, that our ship would not be allowed to disembark in Fort Lauderdale on Tuesday, March 17.  

So you can imagine fear ran about freely on the ship.  

To add to our concerns the captain had announced the night before that we had to divert to Jamaica with a very sick patient on board.  It was not virus related and sounded life threatening.   No one could miss seeing stress and fear in most everyone’s demeanor with this additional concern that night.  I am sure it was a long night for the patient, family and medical staff on board. 

What had awakened us early that Sunday morning was the change in the ship as it slowed down. We peeked out the window and saw twinkling lights coming from land.  It was Jamaica.

We had not been allowed to dock in Jamaica days earlier for a land excursion. Now we were back seeking medical help for someone on board. So we watched curiously from the deck as one of the ship’s transporter boats got lowered to water level for patient and medical staff to enter. We had been praying for them off and on all night and now it felt even more real but at least hopeful in that the patient would get treatment.

I wrote in my diary::  “Prayers are flying to the heavens for this family.”

Soon Island Princess was once again on the move and heading back to Ft. Lauderdale with its anxious crew and passengers. 

After we returned to our room from the dining room breakfast we enjoyed and brushed our teeth, John said he wanted to go to the Bible sharing group listed on our daily announcements.  Now John is Mr. routine and ritual and this did not surprise me, although I had hoped to blow off a church gathering myself.  

But I too have been well schooled in the habit which my father established in our family of setting aside Sunday for God and restoration.   I like to be with John and God and I know it is the right thing to do.  

So I went — hoping it would be worth it.  Maybe they would have a good speaker or an inspirational service of some kind.  When we arrived and saw a group of about 20 people sitting in a circle my heart sank and my attitude was less than sweet.

It was clearly going to be a time of sharing. I was not receptive to that idea. And you TSJ friends know I believe in sharing with one another!  So you would think as creator of “The Shared Journey” I would welcome this opportunity.  

But I was tired of people, tired of myself, tired of platitudes and feeling guilty for my own lack of faith. 

And now here we were being asked to share scriptures or ideas that have helped us in difficult times! I had none in my mind which went completely blank. Now that should have told me something right there! And some of the people seemed to ruffle my feathers as they shared some very good scriptures. My critical self thought some of them were competing to be impressive or righteous. I was feeling anything but righteous – for good reason.  I was feeling raw and obviously critical.  I am not proud to tell you this.  After all — that is what we were there for and it is what I usually embrace. 

I decided to suck it up and listen.  

And of course God stepped in.  

In a quiet interlude a lovely African American middle aged woman spoke up. She shared the scripture that she goes back to “when troubled.” (I caught the word “troubled” very clearly and it intrigued me.)  When she said her “go-to comfort verse” was from John 14:1. . .  “Let not your hearts be troubled . . . “  I immediately “knew that verse;” so my first instinct was to quote it to myself and move on.  

Have you ever heard an old story, a fairy tale, a saying, a poem, a song or a scripture so many times you take it for granted and then one day you “hear it differently?” 

But this lovely woman’s sincerity got my attention. Her message was simple and unadorned. 

Her voice was resonant, her story straightforward, her tears were gentle and authentic and there was not an ounce of pretentiousness in her.   She spoke of virus fears, of feeling “deeply troubled for the crew members whose future looked frightening,” and shared a bit of her own story of faith.  It was so sincere and so clear she knew about troubles and she knew where to turn. I was hooked like a fish at the end of a line cast in the water. 

In other words, she spoke straight from her heart and her words went straight to my heart. Something shifted. A spirit of receptivity entered.  I was back on course. My Inner wisdom – God’s Positioning System had worked to re-route my spirit.  

So I confess to you that on that Sunday in Lent when our future was being shaped differently than anticipated (by this little but deadly highly contagious virus), a messenger of God- this unpretentious woman became my spiritual teacher. The voice in my inner GPS system.

I remembered the context in which Jesus told this to his disciples.  He was telling his disciples not to let their hearts be troubled. He knew they were about to experience the crucifixion story and the feelings of loss and trials they would go through. It was a time of political, social and spiritual turmoil.  He went on to tell them he was going back to the Father but would send the Comforter (what we call the Holy Spirit) to live within them (us) even though they would not see him anymore.

We too are in political, social and spiritual turmoil. Over two thousand years later, those words of comfort are still alive and still as necessary as they were for his disciples.  

Those words and her sincerity slid right through my defenses like a knife through butter.  And it has spread like butter on my soul. (I like butter in case that seems like a bad analogy to you.) 

I think what softened me was partly due to her unaffected authenticity –  her unpretentious child-like attitude. It made me think how God can use each one of us to share His words of comfort and love. God uses children to teach adults and God uses loving hearts to soften hard hearts.  Mine melted. 

I was once again reminded to trust in God.  Of course the disciples would be troubled, but essentially I saw for the first time that we all will ~ and do ~ face troubles.  There is a difference between having troubles and being troubled.  

What a wonderful message Jesus gave me through her and I listened:,  “Let not your hearts be troubled.” I cannot tell you how often I have whispered that since I heard it that Sunday.  Many times it has brought me peace in the night or during the day when my fears mount.

Being troubled is more like a collection of sludge in our hearts and minds.  It means lots of troubles are coagulating and threaten to clog the spirit like in a storm drain.  Sludge prevents water from flowing freely and if it backs up it gets muddy! Nasty. 

I allow my troubles to control me that way when I am off course.  And this stops the flow of healthy action to take care of the troubles (challenges and problems).

So I went to the bible sharing group out of habit and duty; God came to me out of Love, Grace and Mercy.  As always.

Since that last Sunday on the cruise ship, every time I have felt trapped in my own sludge I have come back to this verse. John 14:1  “Let not your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.” And I noticed after he told them what was about to happen he repeated the message this way, “Let not your hearts be troubled. neither let them be afraid.”  We need repetition just as they did.

In the night when your mind grabs your attention remember the compassionate words of the Shepherd of our souls:  “Let not your hearts be troubled.  Believe in me.”  And remember that Easter and new life is coming.

Love and gratitude

Margie and Solomon