Dear TSJ Friends,
I hope this finds you in a good space and healthy and you enjoy today’s stories.
Each week brings its own challenges and life experiences for you, as well as us at TSJ. Muse Solomon likes to get us to review those experiences (stories) for nuggets of wit and/or wisdom to share.
So let’s get started.
DO YOU EVER FEEL UNSETTLED?
What comes to your mind? Muse Solomon asked me what this week has been like and I admitted I have felt unsettled.
MY TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL
And Its Unsettling Experiences
On November 30th at 5:30 am Mr. John dropped me off at the Main Entrance of Rochester General Hospital in Rochester, NY. He lovingly waved good bye from the car and headed back home.
I trudged in to a dimly lit area.
This is how it is now for all patients and their loved ones. I was fortunate because I was going for a fairly routine back surgery with an excellent neurosurgeon in charge. And I was not ill. That is not the case for so many of you or your loved ones.
It was, however, a tangible reminder of the unsettling times we live in.
The stranger in the corner directed me to take the grey elevators to the second floor. But I took the stairs to what I thought was the second floor. When I got off I was not where the receptionist and waiting room was. Hmm. I was disoriented. I wandered around a bit.
I clutched my bag that I had packed for the night, looked at my watch and feared I would be late if I couldn’t find my way. Finally a hospital person come by and told me to get on the grey elevator to the next floor. I was only on the first floor. I forgot I had entered on the ground floor.
The doors opened to an eery and disquieting scene.
Straight ahead I saw a very large room with lots of people sitting masked in chairs distanced from one another. There was not a sound. Just to the right a cheery voice behind the desk welcomed me. She asked for my name and went down through a couple of long pages and found it. Then for the first of many times that morning, I recited my birthdate and address and was instructed to take a seat.
I looked around the room for an empty seat that was not ribboned off. I began to think all available seats were taken. That too was unsettling. I finally found one.
It was eery seeing so many masked faces all staring into space or down at their phones.
I sat down. Fortunately I had remembered to grab a replaceable book instead of my iPad full of Kindle books on my way out the door – The Art of Memoir by Mary Karr. I had forgotten it was so good.
It captured my attention. I felt better and my spirit settled down to a peaceful calm.
Holding a book was familiar. Like a child’s thumb or cuddly blanket, it brought me a sense of home.
In unfamiliar territory it is always comforting to have something that is familiar. It grounds us.
Just before my name was called I had decided to text John. I got interrupted.
I suddenly heard, “Margaret!”
I got up, grabbed my coat, my bag, my book and clutched my phone while she called out and waited for three or four other people.
We all followed as she gave orders of where we were going and what we were to do. I was distracted and could not hear her because…
Something very embarrassing was happening . . .
My phone suddenly blared out some music! It was my favorite Russian male choral music from a CD – “Ancient Echos.” For me it is usually comforting and inspiring! But not then and not there. That beautiful music in the wrong place and time was distracting and annoying.
I could not shut it up! As far as I know I did not start it nor could I stop it.
The young woman leading us kept us moving.
I struggled to listen to the leader and to shut off my phone. I could do neither.
No one was in a position to help or reassure me. I was now embarrassed beyond words.
When landed at my spot behind the curtain where I was to start the day, I finally got the phone to shut off. My hands were trembling and my spirit was unsteady. If I were a toddler I would have sobbed and thrown the phone.
Instead I quietly apologized to the nurse who was assigned to me.
My brain was on overload and my spirit was vulnerable. I was mad at myself and my phone.
Lucky me, this nurse made all the difference!
She kept things moving but was warm spirited, and reassuringly told me these things happen all the time, but they want patients to have phones so we can stay in touch with our loved ones. I needed comforting and she gave me comfort. And the warmed blankets did me good too!
Comforted and reassured and unspeakably grateful that no one I knew saw this event, I settled into the surgery experience. I met the doctors and gave my name and birthday a zillion times (which grounded me with something I actually could do).
I went through the surgery and peacefully woke up in the recovery room a few short hours later.
After we got my tummy to settle down and I had another short nap, I was ready to go home. I did not have to stay overnight after all! I had good care awaiting me at home. They called John and was I happy to see him roll up to the patient discharge door!
But the rest of last week has been unsettling at times. Nothing wrong and yet of course nothing the same while healing takes place.
That is why I am writing about a word we all can relate to. Even for many of us who are healthy and retired already during this pandemic the word that applies is unsettled. Nothing is the same for anyone. Yet it affects some more than others.
Yes, unsettled might describe many of us right now, I thought. So I checked the dictionary. “Unsettled” connotes a feeling of “uneasy, or edgy” with sense of “unpredictability” more than usual even in one’s experience.
Nothing is extremely wrong when we are unsettled. It is just not quite right either! For example, you are getting this blog letter a day late!
We watched “unsettled” played out on Tuesday at dinner hour with Hendrix, our now 16 month old grandson. John and Hendrix’s daddy had been dealing with how to get daddy’s car to and from the car repair place. The whole afternoon was different. When the car repairs could not be completed that day John loaned daddy his car.
In that process they came to our home for a few minutes. It was now the dark of early evening. Hendrix smiled and started his routine of checking toys and opening cupboards. But he could not settle. He would cry between everything that normally brings him delight!’
Watching his attempts to self soothe reminded me of how we do the same. We try to read, eat chocolate, go for a walk, watch TV or anything to feel more grounded and peaceful.
Finally, as we pondered his unusual reactions we realized this is the time of day he goes to his mommy’s after work. But she was working a bit late and his daddy was getting John’s car to take Hendrix to her. He did not know all that.
He just knew something was “off” and he tried to console himself by running from one thing to the next; but none of it worked.
Yesterday when he came to see us in the afternoon all of those same things brought him pure joy again.
I will be sharing with you often how observing him is helping me re-parent myself on the spiritual level.
Watching his daddy love him beyond words and provide him with a sense of security, is exactly what Solomon wants us to learn. We saw this when Hendrix finally collapsed in his daddy’s arms the other night as they said, “Good bye and let’s throw kisses!” Hendrix left with a smile.
We have that kind of security in the arms of the Good Shepherd. Nothing is ever too hard for Him to help us through! And he uses us to help each other.
Thank you one and all who have emailed or texted me with love and encouragement these past two weeks.
The whole TSJ team – both real and imaginary (Solomon, SJ and Sigmund) – thank you.
May this week bring us into a settled comfort of faith in God’s care.
With love,
Margie and Solomon
