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Dear TSJ Friends,
I am excited to start sharing my journey of growing older! It is inspired by working on my own life story
But today is an introduction:
a) Understanding human development using a theory of spiral dynamics and
b) Learning through parenting.
As parents, Wisdom learned is wisdom earned! Do you agree?
PARENTING: Changes us
Like most of you, I am a parent.
Like some of you, I am also a grandparent.
Like all of you, I have had parents (may they rest in peace)!
Like you, I keep learning:
“Once a parent, always a parent” and Things Happen You Don’t Expect.
(COVID has taught us that!)
We are truly on a shared journey!
Have you ever noticed one privilege of growing up with our children is how we re-live our own earlier stages of life through the eyes and experiences of our children? We perceive them from a higher rung on the spiral of life but we still feel the elements of awe etc. as we did when younger.
For example, the curiosity of toddlers, reawakens our awe of skies and butterflies and turtles. When they are teens, it causes us some angst and we often become more reactive like they are! They get snarky and so do we!
Our children mirror life in the raw for us. So we celebrate and we suffer, we groan and we grow. But life is all about relationships and home is the the place we learn the most. We parents are always students and always have “home” work! Both literally in our home and figuratively in our hearts (God’s home in us.)
And when my grandson opens my kitchen drawers, I quickly become aware of how stuffed they are! Our children are like mirrors for our weaknesses more often than we like.
So yes, as a grandparent I am doing it all over again but of course with less intensity.
The Spiral: A Useful Description of Perspective on Human Development:
As we move forward each week with various topics on personal growth and aging, I do want to share some academic perspectives I have studied, but I will try to do it mostly in story form.
When I first entered graduate school (in school psychology) one of our professors divided the class into groups of four. He had us take out a sheet of paper and a pencil. He said, “Draw one line by putting your pencil on the paper and not lifting it until you are finished, to represent your view of personal growth.” Then we showed our lines and shared our thoughts.
You might want to do that before you read further! How would you draw your line?
Clue: I took the picture of a Slinky to illustrate what I have learned since.
Several years ago I read about a theory of spiral dynamics introduced in Integral Psychology: consciousness, spirit, psychology, therapy by Ken Wilber. Each higher rung of the spiral, Wilber (a modern and “highly respected and American philosopher of our time) declares, “includes and transcends” the previous stage (spiral). This theory was developed by Don Beck and Christopher Cowan in their book: “Spiral Dynamics: mastering values, leadership and change.”
So each stage from infancy to old age includes and transcends characteristics and beliefs from the previous stage.
The truth of this spiral concept is helpful for me as I am looking back on my own stories. John and I share many memories to help make sense of who we are today. We are learning a lot about life and our beliefs by doing so!
Years ago, Wayne Dyer wrote a book in his later years, called I Can See Clearly Now as part of his own journey. He was a psychologist turned author and speaker who had a tough childhood and became a father of several children. It is a great title for describing what I too am experiencing.
Aging is a gift of time and perspective. We do have new views, rather like climbing up a mountain side and stopping at overlooks. The view is often more panoramic.
Observing children, reading and meditation often help awaken us to a bigger picture.
The gift of years right now is helping me learn to love differently. I carry less judgment and more a profound sense of not having to know all the answers.
My new view helps me drop some of the mother guilt and be more compassionate with myself and others. It also really helps me be aware that our younger selves could not know what we know now. This is tough to remember, but is true for every new stage of development. We grow into each stage through experience. It is from such learning and growing that wisdom comes. I wonder what I will think when I am one hundred?
I also see more clearly how parenting is like shepherding – just as Solomon says.
Hendrix The ball and the Bumped Head:
Watching Hendrix (now 19 months old) play on the playground with other toddlers has brought home many truths about life. The other day he and I were playing with his bright orange rubber ball. I gently nudged the ball and he was excited to run after it.
I realized the second it took off that it was going to roll under the huge metal framed play unit holding up ramps and slides. Excitedly he crawled underneath the frame to capture the ball. I suddenly feared what would happen. I hurriedly got on my tummy (tough when you are 75) to hopefully prevent him from trying to stand up under the frame.
I was too late. He stood up quickly and hit his head fairly hard on the metal frame just above him.
His daddy held him and soothed him. I felt sad. But I remembered. This is the human journey.
A toddler does not know his/her limits but learning limits is necessary! We learn them from bumps and bruises. Admittedly we do not like limits.
His bump was fortunately just a bump. His daddy held and soothed him.
Very shortly, Hendrix was flirting with grandma coming around by my right pants pocket where he knew there were treats. “Treat!” he said, as he tugged my pocket. My pleasure.
Like a child, I often need comfort, courage and confidence when I bump up against my limitations. As part of our TSJ community, we offer that for each other. Thank you for your amazing emails this week.
Ever playing in the pastures of life!
Margie and Solomon
