Happy Wednesday TSJ Friends,
I am so excited to write to you today!
I love thinking and learning about theories regarding human development. But I also realize life is more than theories and we often need practical and useable stories to learn from each other.
And while I am talking about growth as being an upward spiral, we most often need help learning how to stop spiraling down into our “rabbit holes” of disempowering thoughts that lead to discouragement..
Being a parent highlights the complexities of personal growth.
A helpful strategy toward avoiding – or at least interrupting – a downward spiral of discouragement is learning about the natural stages of child and adult development. It helps us not feel so alone. We are often prone to guilt and self- condemnation which squelch our joy on the journey, even though we read parenting books, go to therapy and pray our hearts out. If only we knew how alike we are in our struggles!
Hendrix Inspires Me Again
(Never too old to learn from children!)
I awoke Monday morning feeling a little subdued. It happens to all of us. Often it is left over from dreams or poor sleep. We don’t always know what puts us in a certain condition or state of being!
Fortunately for me, it turned out to be a Hendrix day. We got to join him and his daddy on the local playground near our home.
Hendrix (now 20 months old) is at the toddler stage. And you know about the toddler stage of development (learning to walk, to talk, climb stairs, make dinosaur sounds and charm grandparents). Emotions or “states of being,” however, are constantly changing and we also know how quickly they change in in both toddlers and teens!” And sometimes in us!
Each stage of life (which is more stable than our state of mind) contains organizing principles that are quite universal and recognizable. Usually we easily recognize the teen stage or “tween years!” Again, every stage of life “includes and transcends” the earlier ones.
But as I age, I am learning how much we can still learn from watching children in earlier stages. We can see with a new vision things we have missed or under appreciated in our own lives and re-parent ourselves in the process.
No matter our age, each of us uses the lens of our past experiences to interpret events and react to them. We are constantly looking for cause and effect as we try to make sense of the world. This is the crux of our reactions in human relationships.
HENDRIX TEACHES GRAMMY A LESSON – AGAIN!
Developmental Stages: A toddler, a parent and grandparents
As I mentioned, on that beautiful and sunny morning we walked over to the playground to spend a few moments with Tim and Hendrix.
Tim and Hendrix’s mom live separately and of course share time and care for him. This particular morning Hendrix had returned from a weekend with his mommy.
As usual, Hendrix regaled us with his adorable toddler behavior. He loves to run along on the grass and see the robins. When he does this he is as free as a spirit can be. He has no idea how far he goes. And he gets quite close before the robin flies away and then throws his little arms up in the air… and watches for another bird.
He loves his playground routine. He runs from the water park area to the equipment area with swings, slides, a tepee and ropes to climb. Lately he has taken to counting things like steps and circles on the pavement. He is so proud to recite numbers and letters and clearly wants to talk.
What made Monday intriguing was Hendrix had obviously learned a new word on the weekend and was quite excited to say whatever that word was. He would say it and smile, looking expectantly to us. He patiently kept repeating it for us. But try as we did, we never completely understood. We sure wanted to. And he also wanted us to get it!
It struck me, however, that while he did not succeed in our understanding of the word itself, he actually did communicate with us. His nonverbal communication was clearly about happiness and excitement.
Eventually, he turned his attention to the toddler swing. His daddy lifted him in and Hendrix watched a little girl swinging on the bigger swing. He was clearly enamored. When her mom said, “Swoosh!” while pushing her, Hendrix laughed out loud! I mean a head back full out laugh! So of course as we took turns pushing him we would say, “swoosh” to hear him laugh. And laugh he did!
His laughter captured all of our hearts. His delight was ours. (A lesson right there.)
THE NEXT MORING – John and Margie
Again! No matter our age, each of us uses the lens of our past experiences to interpret events and react to them. We are constantly looking for cause and effect as we try to make sense of the world.
Developmental Stage: Seniors
Tuesday morning John and I once again sat across the table and enjoyed a time of sharing in one of our favorite restaurants.
I had heard a most inspiring podcast the night before that I really wanted to discuss with John.
But as I started to do so, I stumbled over words and lost some of my enthusiasm. This triggers tension between us when I do that. The tension comes from me. It is a trigger for me to feel inferior when I cannot describe something I want him to know or understand.
My kind husband is also very left-brained, verbally gifted with an economy of words and an extensive vocabulary could not relate to what I was trying to share which was psychological in nature more than scientific etc.
When I think John does not understand I tend to feel stupid and ashamed. It triggers my own accumulated beliefs about myself and my limitations, even though they may not be true. Yes, I am the author and owner of this story.
But this time, I stopped myself! After all, I had just witnessed a child who has neither been scolded nor shamed in any way as he learns things on the playground.
And I realized something powerful . . .
When there are no accumulated judgments about someone being wrong or inferior, we are more curious and open to being supportive.
And this time, trying to understand Hendrix’s new word was just an adventure of curiosity and love. As it should be with more of us more of the time!
So with this new visceral awareness from that experience, I immediately transformed what could have been a vulnerable overreaction on my part to a new step of personal growth. I realized it was actually quite a personal inspiration anyway and it was amazing how light I felt!
I immediately enjoyed being fully present with John in a happy place on a sunny morning.
Getting a new self-awareness of my own needs and joys was truly a little like pulling off to the side of the road and pause at an overlook to soak up the bigger picture of life in that area. When we are camping in the woods we tend to see mosquitos and poison ivy.
On an overlook we can see all is connected to a Grand Design beneath and beyond the skies.
May we be open to curiosity, playfulness and laughter. Maybe we could even say “Swoosh” this week as we swing back and forth between emotions and laugh like Hendrix! Or maybe we can say “hush!” (and mute the inner negative chatter)!
With love from TSJ headquarters. We always enjoy hearing from you. Thank you!
