Pleasing People vs Being a People-Pleaser

Dear TSJ Friends,

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I confess I am guilty.  I can finally admit I am a chronic people-pleaser.

Solomon, my muse and source of wisdom, looked up all the information I am sharing here today and says, “Yes, it looks like you are prone to be a people-pleaser, but do not get discouraged. You really do love seeing people happy.”

Truthfully, I don’t like the word,  “chronic” because it sounds like an illness.  And pleasing people is basically about kindness, which is a good thing, isn’t it?  Yes. it is! Up to a point….

Functional Behavior Medicine Doctor and author ( Mark Hyman, MD), published a podcast this week to help us on this very topic. And this week is when I needed it.  He admitted he hired a coach who helped him see that he was “killing himself with kindness.”

If he can be brave enough to share that, so can I. I will share his links below.They are excellent for those of us with self-esteem wounds for whatever reason.  And that includes most of us!!!

Today’s Story: The Family Came For Five Days

When we got the call that John’s grandchildren and their parents were coming we warmly welcomed them — and held our concerns in check —-about things like COVID concerns, how to keep them entertained on bad weather days, and what to make for meals that would please three children, ages six to twelve. This was a surprise visit since they were having the floors in their home all redone. They had planned to come in June.

I had wakeful moments of anxiety before they came and when they were here.

And, of course it snowed when they arrived! This was unanticipated so they did not pack coats or winter foot gear either.  But in the end, we did several things, and much of the time everyone “hung out” in the house on their phones and computers and tablets. In the evenings, a family of heads that were looking down at their screens was the living room scenery!  We sure did look like the modern family.

Meanwhile, I planned meals, did a lot of cooking and scrambling to meet all needs. This, in spite of the fact that John and I had done quite a bit ahead of time. I wanted to please all of them so they would have great memories.

I am still basically a newbie in their lives since John and got married in Nov. 2016 so that may account for some of my excessive need to please.  I also do not profess to have highly polished culinary skills so am insecure in that area!  And they are great cooks. But they seemed to pretty much take in stride what we did for them.

I experienced anxiety about several things ranging from food to conversations to concerns about how they were feeling. I realized I was causing most of my own stress.

And I realized I tried too hard to do everything right for everybody.  I started to see there is a difference between pleasing out of kindness and going overboard out of fear of rejection.  I do know we are “hard wired” to be socially accepted in order to fit in with the pack, so to speak.

But I carry a deeply seated fear of rejection and this time the tension I experienced  showed up in my neck and shoulders. Clearly my body was sending a message to me that things need to change. The podcast link below gives great information on this.

So there it is.  My my own intentions for perfection were clearly ego driven and fear based more than pure love based.  I grew very weary. But I learned about myself by noticing my physical reactions. And it became a “wake up call” to begin a journey inward to understand what my triggers are that cause an over reaction at times.

And an accumulation of my desperate attempts to do everything perfectly to please them so their stay would be memorable or maybe so my ego would be stroked, had caused me to become self-critical and edgy, even teary at times.  I had failed all week to honor my own needs and feelings. I had not sought solitude and renewal that always helps put things in perspective.  Wise old Solomon was tucked away in the office.

Yes, it became crystal clear to me that I have my own work to do. I felt sad and tired and just perhaps had burned myself out by my addiction to please. I had not done things in a relaxed, pure loving and playful manner.

I see more clearly than ever that it is one thing to be kind and please people and quite another to be driven to be a people-pleaser —  in order to have a sense of worth, belonging etc. One brings joy to both and the other invites burn-out.

And now that I have gained an insight, I must ask myself:

” How might I be complicit in creating conditions I say I do not want?  

“What patterns do I need to break a little at a time?”

To my delight and surprise, when I got to my computer today this very topic showed up in two or three places! Clearly, I am being spoken to in a good way. And I am ready to listen to my soul.  This will make sense to you when you listen to the podcast link below.

How about you?  Do you know if you are you a people pleaser?  The references below will help you see this in a positive way. I think the information is helpful for most of us as parents, leaders and ever evolving learners on this human journey.

Solomon and I truly hope you will enjoy them!

With love and a growing curiosity about how to play more, relax more and live with joy and thanksgiving.

Margie and Solomon

****Dr. Hyman referred his readers to the following link which is an excellent and quick read from Psychology Today: “10 Signs You Are a People Pleaser” by Amy Moring : click on the link:

****Also the Podcast he recommended by Drhu Purohit:  “Are You a People-Pleaser?”  It is about 40 minutes but well worth listening to and it includes the 10 signs from the previous link.  It is easy to listen to and a clear discussion on the topic.

*****Finally, Dr. Farman wrote an article awhile ago:  “Is Your Kindness Killing You?”