Dear TSJ Friends,
Happy Friday the 13th!
Today is obviously not Wednesday, my usual day of writing for TSJ. But our muse Solomon assured me that it would be fine to write a “Margie’s Musing” any day of the week. (He likes the word “musing” of course.)
Solomon has been worried lately that I would put him out to pasture. You will learn why as you read.
Meanwhile, this quote by Mark Nepo in his book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen, Staying Close to What is Sacred, caught my eye and sets the stage for today’s stories.
“When wiggling through a hole the world looks different than when scrubbed clean by the wiggle and looking back.”
When I write my letter blogs I often confess difficult things to admit. Today is no different!
I always hope sharing my own ragged edges of imperfection will connect with some of your tough or tender spots too. And many of you have graciously let me know they do.
“WHEN WIGGLING THROUGH A HOLE… “
This is a bit of a new image for me, but it caught my attention. I wiggle through a lot of holes, many of them self-imposed.
How about you?
What are some emotional holes or troubles that have left you feeling squeezed on all sides?
And what is your view of the world while in the hole?
“THE WORLD LOOKS DIFFERENT [in the hole] THAN . . .“
While in a hole (or tough spot) the world looks harsh and critical. Its colors are often gray or blindingly dark.
And you know you are in the hole when all you can do is succumb to negative thoughts. 
I now confess. After my last blog on Correction vs. Condemnation I became tormented. I had what I call writer’s regret. Even worse than usual. This time, not just about typos or poor writing, but about something even more important.
Like being suddenly struck by a bolt of lightening, one thought severed my heart! What if a reader who already is struggling with parenting guilt would feel judged by my colorful example of a sad situation I vividly described? My heart’s desire is to offer words of comfort, courage and confidence for our journeys.
I became so tormented that I deleted it from the internet. I can rewrite its ideas another time. (Subscribers still have it in your email though.) As I have aged, I have become keenly aware that words have power.
Words can hurt or heal us. And that idea alone is sobering. I tried to reason my way out of the dark hole of self-doubt. No success. I found no wiggle room. I was stuck.
Dormant demons from my past appeared and started a war in my head. These inner critics must have decided to have a 75th year reunion and a feast.
My rational brain had gone off-line. The only thing I could do at that point was to delete the troublesome blog from the internet. I did not want anyone else to come across it.
But Solomon worried and quietly waited. He had heard the aching of my soul.
Discouraged with myself I wept quietly alone in my office, “Should I stop doing this work? Should I stop dreaming of writing a short book or two? Should I stop doing TSJ blogs? Should I just let my vision go? Should this Solomon and wisdom adventure be a thing of the past?
For a few hours I completely forgot the declaration made by the shepherd (David) who wrote the 23rd Psalm … “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me the rest of my life.” There is goodness and mercy in here somewhere!
“WHEN SCRUBBED CLEAN BY THE WIGGLE” (How does that work?)
Solomon tried to send me silent pleas to receive some mercy and love and grace from someone who could help if I couldn’t do it for myself.
I just could not hear such wisdom. I could not ask for help yet. I know many of you have experienced this too.
But as soon as I discovered “the hole” as an instrument in the hands of God for my good, my racing thoughts and laments slowed down.
So what changed the pace?
JUST-IN-TIME GRACE!
Many of you know that I often refer to what I call “just in time Grace” experiences. Here is another one.
When I was at my peak of inner turmoil I got a short text from a good friend. It was a simple text to say “hi.”
Just hearing from her made the difference. She knows me well and we have compared the ups and downs of creative work.
So I debated. Should I tell her I was having an anxiety episode? She was preparing for a trip.. And I didn’t want to burden her with my “stuff.”
Nor did I really want anyone to know how tormented and discouraged with myself I was.
I think Solomon cleared his throat or something. I suddenly remembered: At TSJ we know we are never alone and that we share life’s journey to offer each other love, encouragement and grace.
So I texted back, “Please pray. I am having regrets about writing WW. Worse than usual. “
She responded immediately in spite of her own burdens and busy schedule with:
“So sorry you are suffering for doing what I believe you are called to do.” She also reminded me of our Good Shepherd. Solomon let out a happy bleat. Sometimes that is all we need. A reminder or a nudge from one who cares about us.
And I started to wiggle. I began the “scrubbing clean” process! A little wiggle… one merciful thought at a time and became open by seeking help.
I called my sister for starters! She has known me since her birth and I trust her with my heart and soul. What a difference that made to help bring my rational brain back online. I have since met with several of our TSJ behind-the-scenes support team and my trusted masterminds.
I feel grateful for them and all of you faithful friends. You are change agents for many, including me.
“WIGGLING OUT AND LOOKING BACK . . .”
When I hung up the phone from my sister talk, I think I actually heard Solomon sigh from his spot on the stool where he often sits on a quilt he calls his.
I now know what Mark Nepo meant when he wrote about being “scrubbed clean by the wiggle.” Tears of relief ran down my cheeks and hope was restored. It is in looking back that we see this more clearly. I have work to do but I am not defeated now.
Looking at Solomon and “his” quilt (made for me), started me thinking about the art of quilting and sewing.
In a way, writing is like quilting and sewing. Like strong strands of fine fibers are spun together to make yarns for sewing or crocheting or knitting …. writing uses 26 letters (like fibers) that are arranged and rearranged to make words that can tell stories, paint visions and heal wounds.
And did you know God knits?
Solomon’s favorite shepherd (David) once wrote these words maybe when he was wiggling out of some holes of despair.. a reminder that with God there is no darkness and we are designed by God. What comfort! (Psalm 139:13-16 RSV) . . .
“ [LORD] Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you. For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”
Which brings me to a close by “spinning this yarn” below.
PRESSURE POINTS AND PATCHED JEANS
I grew up with my three brothers and sister on a farm. My mom was a very busy homemaker and farmwife. There were five of us kids ranging in age spans from 8-12 years apart. Our twin brother and sister’s birthday is today!
As in all farming families, there was more work to be done than time to do it. Often there were small piles of jeans (denims) waiting to be mended. It fell to me to learn how to patch the men’s denims by hand. Knees patching was my specialty. I used unrepairable jeans to yield good material to reinforce restorable jeans.
Surprisingly (since I am an impatient sewer) it was one of my favorite jobs.
I could stitch and talk to my little sister and brothers. I could tell Bible stories, make up animal stories and just giggle with them. I often sat on my bed with “the kids” around me. They inspired me (and still do).
Patching was rewarding. It was fun to see frayed jeans become whole and stronger again. The threadbare pressure points and overuse signs of wear were reinforced and durable.
SUMMARY POINTS:
Like those denim jeans, my heart has been patched! What is good here at TSJ is being reinforced, even strengthened. My hole of despair has been exposed and the Shepherd guided others in helping me wiggle my way out of despair.
So Solomon will be our muse and the Lord will be our Shepherd. My team has helped me strategize a plan to sort through saved notes, journals and stories for revision. I am in a re-visioning state of mind.
While this is my story, it is also yours. All of us have weaknesses, worries and wounds.
If you happen to be struggling to wiggle out of a confining and dream-limiting hole, I hope you can find encouragement. The Shepherd who knit our parts in the womb is watching over our journeys.
Yes, “The world looks different when scrubbed clean by the wiggle and looking back!” Personal growth and healing is a process – not a destination. But we can stop for coffee along the way. Or send a text or email.
I hope this has been a little caffeine for your souls today.
With grins and grace,
Margie and happy Solomon
