Dear TSJ Friends,
I hope your week is going well in spite of all the challenges you are facing.
I hope you will forgive me for one more playground reflection. It is a shepherding blog.
As adults we don’t talk about “tantrums” much, but they are very real. Have you ever had to deal with temper tantrums in your children or adults?
Several weeks ago, Hendrix, our two year-old “runner” (it seems), trotted happily along the mile long paved path he loves to explore. He loves doing little extras along the way too, like finding things to crawl over and under or stopping to say, “ding, ding” in a sing song voice as he passes by wind chimes on a nearby house, or calls out “honk, honk” to the geese overhead.
On that particular day our little guy was like the energizer bunny, and when he had almost finished on the regular paved path he decided to take us down a new (to him) dirt path into the woods.
He loves to lead us and we adults follow and chat, but he also points out many things along the way like “poke weed” or “red sumac.” He calls back and we echo his words.
The problem was the dirt path eventually comes out to a busy, busy road. We didn’t think he would walk that far. But he did. You can hear the traffic distinctly before you get to the road. We adults picked up our pace to be at his side.
Predictably, when he (and we) got to the road he was determined to cross it. Cars were coming. “Grampy” and his daddy positioned themselves at each side of him to stop him and show him the cars. He resisted being held back. When they turned him around to go back he was not happy.
So, as you might anticipate, Hendrix wailed as his daddy turned him back toward the safe path and immediately sat down.
Calmly his father swooped him up into his arms. Hendrix cried a sad and mournful cry as his daddy carried him. Not a sharp, rebellious cry. It was a genuine mournful cry. His tears were a bit heartbreaking because he even tried to smile and accommodate our desire to console him by drawing his attention to things we know he enjoys.
At that point, he was doing what we adult humans do when we are confronted with significant disappointments, losses and unsatisfied longings. He was lamenting. Not exactly in a full blown tantrum.
The book of Psalms in scriptures is full of prayers of profound agony about what is wrong in the world at the same time as offering prayers of gratitude and praise for God’s love and care. Hendrix showed the same mixed feelings.
Well, we walked the two tenths of a mile back to the paved path that he loves and is used to. His dad and grampy took turns carrying him.
Some basic shepherding principles helped prevent a full blown bodied tantrum. You know what that looks like, right?
BASIC SHEPHERDING PRINCIPLES:
Principle #1…. His father stayed alert but calm. In some circumstances this can be very difficult for a parent. But when possible it is essential for teaching (modeling) self-regulation strategies.
Principle #2 . . . His father acknowledged Hendrix’s feelings and gently said, “I know you really want to go across the road. This helps our children know we at least see and identify their pain. It can be complicated as not all tantrums are equal. Some really are the roar of anger because what we want is being denied. But it is still good to reflect, “I know you really want . . . .”
We adults are very much like toddlers sometimes. Our tantrums are often due to an interruption from something that suddenly goes against our plans. (Such as a thunder storm or pandemic before graduations or weddings etc.) or have been cut off on the road (dangerous) by a “stupid” driver etc.) These tantrums can readily be identified by voice and body language!
Principle #3 . . . His father waited it out. It seemed things went along as one would hope. Hendrix put his head on his father’s shoulder for a bit and then started looking around quietly.
We all began pointing things out that he loves to see, hoping to offer his brain a reset. And he sweetly calmed down, though he did a rather heart rending combination of trying to smile through his tears and then snuggling his face in his daddy’s shoulders.
Finally, as soon as we got back to the familiar path, his father gently and kindly set him down.
The moment his little feet hit the familiar path, however, do you know what he did? Of course you do.
He immediately turned around and started back on the more dangerous route again. This, despite all of that comforting and redirecting of his attention!
(Sometimes our techniques for managing behaviors work like a charm. Sometimes they do not work at all.) The best strategy still is to stay calm but . . . under such conditions there is another shepherding principle:
Principle #4 . . . And Daddy took charge of the situation. No turning back. No giving him what he wants. Be consistent, take charge and move on.
Hendrix’s father did what a loving Shepherd does — redirected his attention, gave him a guidance and understanding and even got him calm. Still the dangerous path was more enticing and exciting. For some reason, he could not understand why the adults wanted to spoil his day! Hmm.
Does this sound like us with our Shepherd? We like our addictions and our dreams.
Finally, the only choice left was to swoop the toddler up again. He carried Hendrix a little farther until he could see where the playground and was anxious to wiggle down into happiness again.
It was a learning experience for Hendrix and an indicator to us about the limits of his knowledge and understanding. We will wait and try this route again in a few weeks.
Another shepherding principle is when possible, avoid situations that predictably cause the tantrum like reactions when you can.
Hendrix does not like being confined and controlled. Do we?
For our youngsters who are learning how to “self-regulate” we need to know our peeps and their specific temperaments and needs. But the next principle though difficult is good:
Principle #5 …. be consistent and calm in our approach but avoid giving them what they want. So plan as much as possible ways to reduce the likelihood of an unnecessary tantrum. A small warning here: before saying, “No” try to make sure you cannot say “Yes.”
A FINAL REFLECTION:
Like children, we often cannot understand why things cannot go our way. We too need redirecting of our attentions and desires and a resetting of our minds from time to time.
About two nights ago I had a weird thought in the form of a picture – a kind of personal re-setting strategy came to me.
I had been lying awake burdened and pondering deeply about many things beyond my control or understanding. It gave me a headache!
This sounds silly, but I asked myself which of those concerns can I “afford” to think about or “buy” into and which are too costly for me to bear.
And suddenly like ordering groceries online, I reviewed my cart. I took several of the worry items out of my mental shopping cart. I kept ones that are truly mine to understand and work on.
What an immediate relief that was. Who would ever have thought such a simple exercise would inspire me to fall gently to sleep!
It was as if God was saying, “You are not ready for those life robbing issues anymore than Hendrix was the oncoming cars. The cost is way too high. Allow me to redirect your attention and hold you in my arms until you are ready for the next steps.
Now Solomon wishes for all of us that we allow ourselves to be like children who depend on their shepherds to protect, guide, carry and care for them. May we freely explore the spiritual world of faith and hope in our troubled and still beautiful world because we are loved.
With love,
Margie and Solomon
