Have you ever been amazed at how quickly your children’s emotional state can change? I mean one moment they are “happy campers” and within minutes they become hostile, upset, and/or moody. 
Although as adults we too do this, usually the executive area of our brain has matured enough to give us orders “to keep a lid on” our outward behaviors, unless we are flooded with emotions. At such times it goes momentarily “off line” much like our children experience.
Summer is about to begin and while that is basically a relief for most children, and a special time for families to do some traveling or going to the pool and socializing, it is also a time when we are left on our own to navigate the stormy seas of relationships. How do we do that? Truthfully, we manage and usually things work out just fine. Or do they? Sometimes we are left with nagging self-doubts when we lose our patience and the dreams of peaceful, giggly, happy days go poof!
While there is no specific magic in these keys for such moments, they do open doors to creative problem solving and that is often helpful in itself.
Key 1: Pay Attention ~ Be a Weather (Mood) Watcher
Learning to “Pay Attention” is one of our most difficult challenges on many levels. As children we heard this message over and over . . . “just pay attention.” And as parents and teachers do you not let those words trip off your own tongue? I have heard it so many times in my own life that it echos in my head.
Still, the phone vibrates in my pocket, the “ping” lets me know I have an email, the “to do” list swims in my head, and my attention span is minimal at times. Multitasking has become a career for most of us. And it is a hazard in building quality relationships. Even an email message can change our mood, let alone give the children an opportunity to fight for attention!
Last evening I decided I needed to go for a walk. Without paying attention to the weather, I got into my old clothes, grabbed my IPod, a stop watch, and cell phone. (One would think I was gong for a long hike!) Out the door I went.
First, I was hit with hot and humid air and I do not do well in humid. I immediately went back in for my small water bottle and a paper towel for sweat! Off I went down the driveway ready to run. Then, I heard thunder in the distance. The sky was dark over the lake. Since I am frightened by lightening, I usually seek shelter if there is any sign of storm. So at first I stayed close enough to home to get there pretty fast if necessary. Another adaptation. As it turned out, it was not necessary so I actually did venture out farther, had a good little run and drank all of my water. But I remained watchful of the skies the whole time and remained ready to go to “plan B” at any moment.
Moods, like storm fronts have a pattern to them. There are underlying currents of energy that converge to create a shift in barometric pressure, wind speed, etc. When we pay close attention to subtle shifts we are more apt to have some time to creatively adapt our responses and avoid those proverbial knee-jerk ractions that often escalate the problem.
Key # 2: Avoid Coercion and Control ~ Partner WITH Nature!
Shifting moods are as Natural as the weather. Why do we think we can master them? Can we master Mother Nature or the weather?
We can only improve our adaptations. When we ignore it and then get angry at it we only hurt ourselves. What good does it do to yell at a bolt of lightening? Or a tornado? The best we can do is seek shelter and learn the weather’s patterns.
Our children are to find their shelter in us. We are their safe place. But that can only happen when we have inner strength and peace ourselves. We too need shelter. That comes in a form of spiritual strength, support from friends and family, and from allowing ourselves to play in constructive ways that work with our own temperaments.
Children’s individual nature is a form of Mother Nature’s creative energy and deserves our respect. Our task as parent-shepherds is to nurture Nature’s shining qualities and find ways to tap into its energy for the greater good. For example, before modern times, people collected rain water for the dry periods. Scientists have studied electricity and created ways to harness its power for our homes, businesses, and cars.
Similarly, each child is a power source of creative energy and carries within its often turbulent soul seeds of greatness that need to be noticed and nurtured by us. Too often we work against nature as it appears in our children and we attempt to dominate and control them. We coerce and force them into submission. Force never works for the greater good. There are moments when it is life saving, but those times are rare.
Partnering with Nature is both an art and a science. It takes more time and creativity to collaborate and find harmony than to control and coerce. As with the weather, a place to start is developing an attitude of wonder and curiosity.
Scientists scrupulously observe WHAT IS without jumping to conclusions and develop theories to be tested and ideas to be savored. They are often more comfortable with facts and formulas.
Artists notoriously observe the potential in WHAT IS. They often see things that are not visible to the eye. They are often more comfortable with mystery.
Parent-shepherding done purposefully requires us to be both scientists and artists as we nurture our children’s nature and guide them into their greatness.
Key # 3 Just Listen
Remember to listen for subtle shifts in conversation, pitch of voice, speed of talking, and signs of fatigue in your children. Remember listening – true listening – makes you more present, more available, and much safer for building relationships that are solid and rewarding.
Pay attention, work with nature (set your sails for the storm), and practice listening. These three things will open your eyes, flood your heart with love, and your mind with creative ideas. I promise.