Is summer time starting to take its toll on your parenting energy?
Today I am stepping out of my comfort zone. I do not like giving parents strategies unless I know the specific situation. It feels too much like telling parents what to do when I do not know their situation.
Truthfully, I usually write about personal growth issues and am driven by a passion to help people find meaning and understanding within the context of what they are living. This, I believe, leads to making better choices and being more compassionate people, and has evolved out my own life experiences.
Still, sometimes we need both principles and strategies when we feel lost. And at some point or other we all feel lost as to what to do. We get lost in a sea of “shoulds” and “should nots” that lead to fear, frustration, and anxiety for conscientious parents.
During my morning tea time I call “sip it and zip it” time, I looked at the reminders hanging on the wall in my office and decided to share them with you. I took the picture for you to see.
Principles first is my motto. Then choose strategies that will align with those principles. I hope that idea will help you.
FIVE SIMPLE (BUT NOT EASY) PRINCIPLES
Be a light house
It’s purpose it to shine a light for ships who are lost in the dark. Our children look to us for the right direction (safety), but also need the freedom to steer their own ship at their own speed.
The primary job of parenting is providing safety for our children. That involves physical, social, emotional/mental, and spiritual safety. We are light houses for them to explore the seas of life!
Who is your source of safety, your lighthouse?
When your child is “off” remind yourself to keep his/her well-being as your priority. That does NOT mean catering to whims and demands. What is loving in the long run is choosing what is ultimately good for them even when it does not always feel loving to either of you at the moment. Loving is not always pleasing them, but pleasures come and go. Love remains.
Be authentic
Kids have built in antennae for when we are being real. Their reasoning brain (frontal lobes) are not developed enough to think through emotions; therefore they operate on the raw feelings/immediate behavior level.
We cannot hide from them. If you are angry, for example, do not couch your words with sweet superlatives, “You know Mommy does not like it when you….” It is more authentic to say what you mean in a convicted voice, “That is not … acceptable or not nice or very naughty…” State the obvious. At other times, if you are tired or cranky it is appropriate to say so as it helps them identify emotions. Our masks are thin with kids. Figuring us out is a survival thing for them!
Be kind to yourself
When you are unkind to yourself it simply makes everything harder in the long run! We could all write blogs on this topic, don’t you think?
Be firm with what you know is right
*If you know your child should not be doing something they are doing as a matter of safety (either social safety such as hitting or biting or physical safety such as running into the road, exploring the stove burners or outlets etc. etc. ), put clear boundaries or checks on that behavior. Remember, they have to learn consequences of choices. We are still learning that ourselves. It is a life-long learning experience.
*If your are just grumpy yourself and they simply are annoying you, avoid punishments that you would not do on a good day. At those times it is best to find ways to point them on a happier path if at all possible or ignore them if they are just being annoying but are safe. Find your own calming center in whatever way works most quickly for you. Breath in . . . Breathe out!
THREE STRATEGIES For MANY SITUATIONS
1. Keep your words and actions brief and focused.
Name the behavior and the consequence. Avoid most explanations and all lectures. If your child is under the age of 7, they typically relate to the world in the here and now and in the “what is in it for me” mode.
When young children have done something wrong, all they really want or need to know comes down to: Is it right or wrong. “It is not nice to hit other people.” That’s it. No further explanations are needed. This strategy is if something is very wrong and ultimately harmful for them either physically or socially. As a parent/shepherd, you want to let them clearly know “there is nothing in this behavior for me” in the long run.
Be as consistent as possible on major issues… no biting, no hitting, etc. And live what you teach.
2. Keep your time-outs to short and manageable chunks (about one minute per year of growth … 3 minutes for a three year old) Avoid any hidden rewards, such as talking with you, holding a cherished doll, reading a book etc. Time-out is an exclamation point on lesson they need to learn.
Just a reminder …. Down-time is different. It can be quieter and involve story time, appropriate video, snuggling with parents. Down-time is preventative mostly, not a consequence for errant behaviors.
After time-out do not add reassurances of your love. You have never taken away your love. You have simply provided a lesson. When time is up just give them a vote of confidence, ” I am sure you are ready to play nicely again.” If the misdemeanor gets repeated, simply repeat the consequence. Repetition is still one way we all learn.
3. Get as much rest as you can as a parent. It will help you keep form overreacting to small things. If you can’t get enough sleep, find something to look forward to… it will get you through the next few hours! We all need to reward ourselves with something that resotores our energy (such as . . . lunch with a friend, a good book, quiet music, a nap, a walk etc.)
Yes, these seem like common sense, but all of us need reminders to practice what we already know. I talk to lots of parents and truly am blessed by their knowledge, dedication, and stamina. Most really need to practice self-care without guilt. But most also wish it did not have to be so hard at times. We want to be nice all the time. We want our kids to make us proud. But, life is challenging and we need to teach our kids to be responsible for their own behaviors! We do that by modeling but we also do it by direct guidance at times.
So, bravely carry on! Do you have any strategies you would like to share? We can all learn from each other and we really like reading what each other thinks. I encourage you to comment!