Dear TSJ Friends,
I know you are all familiar with “The Golden Rule” which of course is the accurate perspective for us to live out our days. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
But I had a quirky thought about that. What if I turned that around a bit? What might that mean for our TSJ community?
I hoped it would give us a moment to pause. To take the familiar and play with it. And I hoped it might get your attention.
When you think about applying some of the gold in the “golden rule” to yourself, how might that change your perspective? So I am taking the risk of just putting this idea out there for your midweek tidbit of wisdom. It may apply to many of you, but of course, not everyone. (So if it sounds weird or sacrilegious – feel free to delete and drop it. Admittedly, in what appears to be an ever growing social epidemic of self- indulgence, a sense of entitlement and narcissism in our culture, it sounds counter intuitive to speak of doing for ourselves what we do for others.
But bear with me because I am not speaking of people who are unkind and lack empathy or are self indulgent. Quite the opposite. I am talking about most of you who actually have kinder attitudes and do kinder things for others than yourselves. And when you actually do something for yourself you feel guilty.
Through the years I have heard hundreds of stories from people who are most unkind, even brutal to themselves.
But oh so often these are people with huge hearts, deep faith, as well as sincere and truth-telling values laced with kindness and compassion toward others. In other words, they are not phony and live with integrity. It is their real self. They do not act like martyrs (in the negative sense of that word that carries baggage of unexpressed resentment with it.) The people I work with and am speaking of have skills, talents and gifts that indeed should be directed toward others. You might have met someone like that. Perhaps it includes you. Such people are often held captive by secret fears, longings and sorrows. They struggle. Sometimes they struggle to sleep at night.
Many tireless givers often suffer quietly with toxic doses of self-condemnation. Somewhere, somehow they have been convinced they are not deserving of positive attention, affirmations and appreciation. They cannot claim joy in their success or rest even briefly in the inner sanctuary of their soul. . You name it. They feel they do not deserve it.
There are many reasons for these feelings and personal judgments – including but not limited to – having something egregious done to them. Or they feel they must do everything perfectly to be receive approval. Such ideas squelch the the full spectrum of well deserved joy and happiness. It mutes their dreams and chokes their enthusiasm for taking risks.
If you happen to struggle with some of these feelings even to a lesser degree than the picture i am painting (however real that is for many) Solomon wants me to tell you there is good news. And you already know everything we are going to share from here on. But please do not allow “knowing” to stop you from pausing to experiment with new ways to view the same old things.
From my experience, the journey out of excessive self-criticism is a process. There is an instant cure. Hold on! Each instant of self-neglect and self condemnation is open for re-evaluation. Let me suggest a couple of questions to ask yourself when you are aware of the brutal words of self-talk you offer (and would never say those things to others!),
It all starts with some “unlearning.” Today is a good day to pause and practice the art of “unlearning” (which often comes with asking good questions). Letting go is like offering an empty cup for God to fill with new facts, new spiritual nutrition. Sip it when you can. Question your assumptions about yourself as heartily as I encourage you to question assumptions about others.
Here are some thoughts that help me, and have helped many of you. This is just Solomon saying that reminders are important.
Perhaps when you are in the act of comparison and feeling less-than, it would help to reflect on these questions:
“Is it true I am a _____?” Now here I suggest that you may say, “Yes.” But is it because it is “real?” Of course it is real to you! But is it completely, undeniably true all the time? Be honest with that answer!
“Do I want to be someone else?” One time when I was being overly self-critical John mused, “It sounds like you want to be someone else.” “Whoa!” My response was a crystal clear “No.” Of course I just want to be me with others’ talents.” That calls for some surrender here. Some honest pause moments. Some “unlearning.”
Instant healing available? Again, an attention-getting way of saying….. it takes a lot of instant healing events to free ourselves of both conscious and unconscious memories and beliefs.
So Solomon and I have been practicing together how to erase old messages that sneak into my moments and rob me of joy. It is an act of unlearning.
There are two truths whether they feel real or not that Solomon says we need to know and trust:
“God delights in you.” and “God loves you.” Scriptures clearly say so. John reminded me that Max Lucado (a Christian author and speaker ) said, “God loves you so much that he would rather die than live without you.”
Which means it is acceptable, healing, and even a God-given permission for us to do unto ourselves what we for others. Solomon says we should partner with God and take delight in ourselves and each other! Together we share the journey toward happiness and emotional healing!
Margie
