Dear TSJ Friends,
As a child did you ever receive a gift from “Santa” that you asked for but your image of it was a better model than what “Santa” could afford that year?
Do you remember the conflict when you reluctantly said, “Thank you” that had a “but” lingering unspoken in the air?
Or as a parent, have you felt deep sadness you could not give exactly what you knew your child wanted?
Tom’s Story
. . . As I remember hearing and now reflect on its significance for us . . .
When Mr. Tom of TSJ fame was a youth he really wanted a new bike.
He had ridden second hand bikes around town where he lived and was often seen with his cousins and neighbors doing what kids do.
He was an only child born to older parents who found love in a second marriage. Tom was an unanticipated joy. His three maternal half brothers from his mom’s first marriage were already grown. His father, a widower, had no children from his marriage of many years, so Tom was understandably the proverbial “apple of his father’s eye.” Sadly, however, his dad died when Tom was a young boy. A grief that they carried the rest of their lives.
As an adult looking back on his youth, he realized that he and his mom could have been homeless. But they weren’t. She worked long hours for very little money. They had to move in with her parents so he could be safe and sheltered and enjoy having cousins and friends nearby. Tom was a small town guy.
Kids in those years were free to fearlessly play by the hour outside and play they did! But Tom, known then as “Tommy,” (a name he still happily responded to as an adult), was a responsible boy, and he took as much care of his aging grandparents as they did of supervising him.
Although basically happy – like most children – he found himself envying his cousins who had both parents, were financially more comfortable and had nicer things and didn’t have to take care of aging grandparents as he did.
Also, like most children, Tom understood his mom did not have much money. They pretty much lived on hot dogs and bread and beans and potatoes. But while he understood this and was predisposed to be kind and empathic, he was young and filled with wants and longings.
So one year he asked for a new bicycle. He knew he wanted a bike like his cousins rode. At that time “everyone was riding a three-speed bike.” We called them “English bikes.”
Finally the day came for the great reveal. He was filled with anticipation and a bit apprehensive. Did he dare to hope he would get his coveted three-speed bike?
And then …. he was led to a sturdy, handsome red bicycle with glistening handle bars and wide tough tires. As he told me the story, he remembered how happy his mom seemed and how disappointed he was, though he did not give voice to that feeling at the time.
I imagine (as a mother myself) that she knew he was disappointed and I bet she felt badly about that – though she presented as a no nonsense strong woman.
Still he loved his mother and a gift – after all – is a gift!
Tom was never deterred much from being upbeat and could roll quite peacefully with the punches that life gave him. Like his mom, he was a pick yourself up, dust off the knees and keep on going sort of person.
And he rode that bike all over for years.
It was sturdy. Very sturdy. Like Tom himself.
Gradually he did not even want a better bike, even when he could afford to buy one! And he was respectful of the work his mother did to provide for him. An attitude of gratitude vs. self indulgence was part of his core value system.
The bike actually grew to symbolize who Tom was more than speak to his financial status among his friends and cousins.
Along with being sturdy, it was also practical, rarely needed extra attention and again, rolled easily over tough terrain.
And that describes Tommy the child and Tom the man.
One day in the summer of 1981 Tom and I re- met. In past years we had mutual friends from local churches. We did not know each other though, as we both had moved away.
But I had moved into his town after my first husband and I separated and divorced. And on Saturday mornings when my two sons visited their dad, I would sadly walk to the Post Office on Main Street to check my mail and try to forget my woes.
So our story began at the mailboxes in the local post office. Each week we seemed to check our mail at the same time. Soon I learned he lived where he could see who was coming into the PO! No wonder he always seemed to arrive when I was there.
Eventually I learned he was a single dad and he learned of my changes too.Our conversations grew routine and before I knew it, Tom often rode past my house on his sturdy old red bike. I lived near the fire hall where each Saturday as a fireman he often went to the firehall to check on trucks and chat with the guys… and hopefully to stop by my house.
At first I never thought much about the bike. I was intrigued by him! So I gradually fell in love with a man on a bike who was genuine, unpretentious, funny, faithful and adaptable.
The unwanted gift when he was young brought the gift of a lifetime to me – TOM!
You know what he called that bike? He affectionately called that bicycle his “Harley!”
Tom was a top notch model of how to love a wife and children. We blended our families in 1982 and a marriage of sturdy, reliable and faithful love became like his unpretentious and regular – more ordinary bicycle became his “Harley.”
Tom made such things happen. He could call a basic bike a Harley. He changed this ordinary woman into his treasured wife.
So, no matter what we might think of a gift today….even disappointing gifts that emerge from the pretty Christmas wrapping paper may bring joy unspeakable in the tomorrows of our lives.
When we practice being grateful we are more open to seeing how our disappointments can be experienced differently – perhaps even as gifts of grace that we needed to grow into.
As I caught myself fretting over giving good enough gifts last week I think Tom just may have reminded me of the Harley! It made me smile.
I hope you are smiling too.
Love and best wishes for inner peace during this season.
With love,
Margie and Solomon and John
